I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
