My hair reeks of homosexuality.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
