# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I want a musical about memes.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
