I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
