My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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