1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
