Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
