Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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