Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There's always time for handjobs
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
