the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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