We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
