All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
