please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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