my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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