we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
