I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
