You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
