He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
