I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
