I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
His hands were made for my vagina.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
