Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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