you didnt know i had herpes?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
