I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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