he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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