i'm lost and i look like a hooker
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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