She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
