Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
