WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
