no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
