The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
