I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You dont lie about slip and slides
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
