soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
