brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
