The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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