I think my fart just growled at me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
