i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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