Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
