And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She bit a glass in half.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
