She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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