I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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