My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
