I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
