I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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