Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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