I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
