Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
