omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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