I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
