i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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