I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
