literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
